She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We are two peas in an std pod
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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