Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
