i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
