Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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