Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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