Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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