How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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