I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
