I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
