im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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