She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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