So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I can text with my tongue
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
