I wish I could punch you in the face.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
