Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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