the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
