i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
