please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i believe in u and ur pee
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
