Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize