why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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