That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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