I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
