Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My balls are so social today.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
