So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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