Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
