we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
