I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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