my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
