Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
