I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize