Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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