Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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