When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
