my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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