i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
