i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
