Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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