so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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