i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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