My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
