I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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