Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
