Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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