did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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