You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize