so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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