he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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