i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
