Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
