i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Randomize
