Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
