I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
