she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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