wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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