Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
