why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
