Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
