it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
