Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
