I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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