Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
