You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
