Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
