Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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