I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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