They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
