Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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