R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
