I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
