ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
