you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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