he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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