Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i now understand why vodka
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
