i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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