tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
